Tis a WATERMELON!
by Bandit-Queen
Summary: WARNING: Has very little plot, and is based on a series of Monty Python-esque jokes. Read at your own risk. You might be disturbed... Everybody's in it, so there is some slash for you Homophobics .
1. The First Letter In Insanity

WHEEE for BOREDOM and TOO MUCH HARRY POTTER!!! For any of you who actually want to read this, CHAPTER TWO IS EVEN FUNNIER! This was written in collaberation with Me, Myself, and the Most Worshipful Brotherhood of the Wombat. I have Mine, Mine, and the Brotherhood's permission to post it here. ENJOY!

#### 'Tis a Watermelon...###

(Harry, Hermione and Ron are sitting around in the Gryffindor common room. It's a Saturday, there's nothing to do. Hermione spots a large, round green thing in the corner.)

HERMIONE: Harry, Ron, what is that?

RON: 'Tis a watermelon.

(Harry and Hermione stare at him.)

RON: What?

HARRY: What?

HERMIONE: What?

RON: Well we can't just all sit here saying "what" all day, can we?

HARRY: Would you rather go visit Snape? Or maybe Hermione could go sleep with him, that seems to happen a lot on this website.

RON: What's a website?

HERMIONE: 'Tis a watermelon.

(Ron and Harry stare at her.)

HERMIONE: What?

HARRY: What?

RON: Eh, now don't start that again!

HERMIONE: Isn't that from a movie?

RON: What's a movie?

HARRY: 'Tis a watermelon.

(Hermione and Ron are staring at Harry when Ginny walks in. Seeing Harry, she leaps and tackles him.)

GINNY: _HARRY IS MINE! HE'S MY LLAMA!_

RON: Ginny, have you been talking to He-whose-name-I-cannot-say-or-else-I-will-fry-in-hell again?

GINNY: (blushing and getting off Harry) Yes... Sorry, Harry.

HARRY: (dazed) It's alright... Llama... Watermelon...

HERMIONE: We should probably all study. Group study time!

RON: No! No! Please, GOD NO!

HARRY: You know what else happens a lot on this website?

HERMIONE AND RON: What?

HARRY: Hey, Ginny, get back on top of me.

HERMIONE: (slaps Harry)

RON: Hey! Whatch it, you trying to give him another scar?!

HERMIONE: Oh, Ron, stop being such a retarded, half-wit imbecile.

GINNY: Hey, don't say retarded, it's not politically correct!

RON: What's politically correct.

GINNY: 'Tis a watermelon.


	2. A European Swallow?

####'Tis a Watermelon: CHAPTEH DOO###

(Harry, Ron, Hermione are still bored. It's still Saturday, and everyone seems to have developed a strange obsession with--GASP! WATERMELONS! The group is wandering around the grounds, somewhere too close to the lake...)

HERMIONE: So... whatcha want to do?

RON: I dunno. What d'you wanna do?

HARRY: I dunno. What d'you wanna do?

GINNY: I dunno. What---Ey, now _don't start that again!_

HERMIONE: I swear, that's from a movie!

RON: What's a mo--- (Harry claps a hand over his mouth)

GINNY: Harry, that's not very nice.

RON: (bites Harry's hand) mmmm, nummy!

HARRY: AGH! My hand!

HERMIONE: You'll live.

(Snape is walking towads them. The group acts like they don't notice, but he talks to them anyway)

SNAPE: Well, well, what are four young students doing by the lake on such a beautiful day?

RON: Well, we're not really all that young anymore, and we could ask you the same question, you watermelon-head.

(All stare in horror at Ron)

RON: What?

SNAPE: I'm afraid that little remark earned you a month's worth of detention, Weasel.

GINNY: It's Weasly, professor.

SNAPE: Same difference.

(Harry and Hermione exchange glances)

RON: (realization sinking in) HEY! You casn't gives me dentententtention, professsssor! I have Klidititititch!

SNAPE: (blinks)

HARRY: He said you can't give him detention because he has Quidditch.

SNAPE: (beginning to regret talking to them) Oh.

GINNY: (throws herself at Snape) Oh, please, Professor, let him play! It's better to break a man's leg than his heart!

HARRY: That's from a movie _too!_

HERMIONE: _GET OFF MY FETISH, STUPID REDHEAD!_

RON: Fubble fwah fwubble fwubbb... errrr?

HARRY: Uh, I think Ron is in need of medical attentoin... again...

RON: EEEEELKIEEE!

(Ginny and Hermione are wrestling on the ground. Neither of them notice Harry, Ron, or Snape.)

SNAPE: Screw you guys, I'm going home. (walks away)

HERMIONE: (jumps up) _No! Severus, my love, wait for MEEEEE!_ (runs after him)

GINNY: God, did you see her? She's crazy!

RON: Glooooooooop

GINNY: What'd he say?

HARRY: He said "No, I'm the crazy one."

GINNY: How can you understand that?

HARRY: I dunno, but I figure I should. I mean, that kid that tries to look like me from those other books can understand his baby sister when she talks like that.

GINNY: (gasps) OH! Is he speaking BABY?!

DRACO: (comes out of nowhere) I'm afraid he is, Oliver.

HARRY: (looks around) Who's Oliver?

DRACO: You are.

GINNY: (sighs) No, dear, he's Harry. We've been over this, hon, you aren't ready to come back to school.

DRACO: Oh.. right... But it was a joke, you know, about Oliver Twist...

HARRY: But who's Oliver?

RON: ssstis fwah bwatahmelon.

GINNY: Hey! I understood that!

HARRY: But who's Oliver?

DRACO: Shutup Potter. I'm more insecure than you, I win. I ALWAYS WIN!!!

HARRY: Hey, you know what else happens a lot on this website?

GINNY: (strokes Draco's forehead) Yeah, I do...

HARRY: (attacks Ginny) NOT YOU!!

GINNY: Harry, get off me!

HARRY: (knocks Ginny out) There.

(Harry and Draco walk off into the sunset holding hands. Ron is left standing alone, dejected, and retarded)

RON: Fwah fwah fwubblefub fwooooooo!

Which of course means "I think the lovely roses taste like sunshine dust."


	3. Pretty Beetles

Tis a Watermelon: CHAPTAH TWEEE! 

Yeah....

_The scene cuts __it can cut? what? to Lucius Malfoy, who definitely has too much time on his hands_... _he's in a dark room, in a dark mansion, near a dark stair, on a dark night, in a dark_-----ahem

LUCIUS: (humming) mmmm, we takes the pretty beetle...(picks up beetle in his hand) mmmmm,hhmhmmhmmm, we takes the lovely beetle...

THUD

LUCIUS: GAH! The eeeeevil fallssss from the sky, my lord, from the dark sky on this dark night!

INUYASHA: What the--- who are YOU?!

LUCIUS: (cowers in horror) My Lord! Help me! I speaks in it's angry words at me!

INUYASHA: (speaking Japanese)(and totally out of character) What is _wrong_ with you?

LUCIUS: (brandishes wand) Begone, foul strange-speaking beast! I will KILL YOU!

INUYASHA: (blinks)

LUCIUS: I WILL SQUASH YOU LIKE--- (stops suddenly and looks at the beetle crawling around his hand) Like a beetle... pretty beetle...

INUYASHA: I miss Japan...

LUCIUS: And we takes the beetle in our right hand.... and.... and we SQUOOSHES IT!!!! (flattens beetle) MUAHAHAHAHAAAA!

INUYASHA: Holy crap...

THUD

LUCIUS: _Avada Kedavra!!!!_

KAGOME: (falls over dead)

INUYASHA: The hell with this, I'm going back home. Where things are slightly saner...well... whatever. I'm going home! (gets up and walks through hidden back door)

LUCIUS: Beetle? Beetle, where are you?

THUD

LUCIUS: GAH! IT KEEPS HAPPENING!

SPIKE: Who the hell are you? Where---

LUCIUS: (gasps) He speaks the pure language!

SPIKE: (in parseltongue) Dude...

LUCIUS: I must find a way to communicate with one so... gifted...

SPIKE: (still in parseltongue) Hey, how long am I gonna have to sit here?

LUCIUS: I must find my Lord, he will be pleased with me, perhaps even (wiggles eyebrows) _reward_ me...

SPIKE: (in English) Was that in the script?

KAGOME: (sits up) I don't think so...

LUCIUS: Riddle-dee-dee, Riddle-dee-doo, Play with me and I'll play with you!

SPIKE: Uh, have you gone mental?

LUCIUS: I was left alone in the rain to die like an animal, the beetle is the only one who understands...

ME: (magically appears) Yeps, he left the script behind ages ago.

KAGOME: Oh...

SPIKE: (walking out hidden door) I'll be in my trailor.

LUCIUS: And the worms crawl in and the worms crawl out (laughs eerily) and the worms play pinnacle on your snout!

ME: My God...(uses magicy powers and makes Lucius evaporate) There...

KAGOME: May I leave now?

ME: Sure, why not. Everything else has gone crazy. You know this started as a serious story in my mind...?

KAGOME: (bursts out laughing and runs through door)

_And so the Author was left alone in the dark room in the dark mansion on the dark hill in the dark rain by the dark stair on the dark night---_

ME: SHUTUP YOU STUPID NARRATOR!!!!!!

THUD

HERMIONE: Oops... I think I missed my cue...

ME: _No._

HERMIONE: What's that in the corner?

ME: (gasps) No... no, it couldn't be...

_But, oh cruel fate, it was. It was---_

ME: I TOLD YOU TO SHUT YOUR FACE!

_Sorry._

HERMIONE: Help me be strong...TIS A WATERMELON!

ME: Well, perhaps if we built a large wooden badger...

_RUN AWAAAAAAYYYY!_

ALL: (run out hidden door)

GANNON: (in the corner) Did they just call me a watermelon?

_**TEH END OF CHAPTEH TWEEE. SO THERE. HEHEH, I'LL BE BOCK.**_


	4. WOOT

??????Tis A Watermelon: CHAPTEE FORE! ??????

_I'm back... It's me, the narrator. She yelled at me last time, so this time I'll be brief. Common Room. Gryffindor. Weasly and Potter. About to embark on the most passionate, dangerous and meaningful journey of their lives, the journey into each other's-----_

ME: OK! THAT"S ENOUGH!

_Fine._

ME: (clears throat like Umbridge) Now, on with teh show!

RON: Aren't you supposed to leave now?

ME: I'm gone, shutup. (disappears)

HARRY: So... You can talk again, right?

RON: Yeah.

HARRY: So... whatcha wanna do?

RON: I dunno. What d'you wanna do?

HARRY: I dunno. What d'you wanna do?

RON: I dunno--- Ey, now _don't start that again!_

HARRY: Sorry.

RON: You know, Harry, I've been doing some thinking...

HARRY: (mumbles) That's a first.

RON: I think I need help... You know, what the muggles call "therapy..."

HARRY: Ron, there aren't enough days in the week for all the therapy you'd need.

RON: Hey, thanks!

HARRY: (slaps forheqd)

RON: Hey, check it out!

HARRY: What?

RON: She spelled forehead wrong.

HARRY: Where?

RON: (points up) Up there, when you slapped your head.

HARRY: What d'you know, you're right!

ME: (Appears) Will you two quit it?!

HARRY: Sorry, Profess--- I mean...

ME: (sighs)

RON: I almost called McGonagall "mum" once.

HARRY AND I: (staring at Ron)

RON: What?

HARRY: (slaps FOREHEAD again, spelled CORRECTLY!)

RON: Harry, it says "spelled CORRECTLY" on your forehead!

ME: Ooooops...

_Hermione waltzes in and falls into a chair. Harry and Ron are momentarily shaken, but force themselves to recover quickly, ignoring the burning desire that singes the air----_

ME: YOU"RE FIRED!

_Wait, I'm sorry, I'll stop, I swear!_

ME: You'd better.

HERMIONE: May I please say my lines now?

ME: (vanishes)

HERMIONE: I just had the most wonderful time!

HARRY: With Snape?

HERMIONE: No, you dolt, with Viktor! What do you mean with Snape?

HARRY AND RON: (look at each other)

HERMIONE: what?

HARRY: Hermione... you ran off with him earlier...

RON: And you called him... your "fetish"....

HERMIONE: You two have a horrible sense of humor. (turns up nose and stomps up stairs)

RON: What's with her?

HARRY: (shrugs) Women...

ME: HEY!

RON: Hey, you didn't say "appear"...

ME: (APPEAR!)

RON: I have a question.

ME: Sure...

RON: Have you ever seen a Llama---

HARRY: Kiss a Llama

RON: On the Llama?

ME: Oh. My. God. (vanishes and reappears to keep an eye on crazy students)

HARRY: so.....

RON: So....

STAY AROUND FOR TEH NEXTY CHAPTARYYY!


	5. Watermelons do the ChaCha!

Tis a Watermelon Chapter FOIVE!!!!!!

_This is a continuance of the last chapter, which was getting too long anyways, so the Author cut it short, stupid git that she is..._

ME: You wanna end up as a mud puddle?

_Stopping_.

HARRY: Whatcha wanna do?

RON: I dunno, what d'you wanna do?

HARRY: You.

RON: I dunno, what d'you---- Omigod...

ME: (vanishes in lightning speed), CURSE YOU NARRATOR!

_MUAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!_

HARRY: Ron... did I just say that?

_Yes, he had, he had said it and meant it. For the Narrator has stolen the Author's powers, and will continue making the Harry Potter universe a MISERABLE AND SLASH-PAIRED PLACE, WITH ADULTERY AND EVERYTHING!_

_MUAHAHA, AHAHAHAAA, AHAHHAAAAAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!_

ME: Whoa..... Bring on the Watermelons. (gets hit in head by flying watermelon)

_BWAHAHAHAAA--------MMMPH!_

ME: (stuffs watermelon down narrator's throat) HOW D"YOU LIKE THEM APPLES, YOU SICK FREAK!

HARRY AND RON: (kissing violently)

ME: KNOCK IT OFF! EVERYONE! **NOW!!!!!**

(crickets chirp)

SPIKE: (from off set) Can I go home now?

ME: Yessss.....

RON: Fwa foo fwabble fing noooooooot?

SPIKE: What the hell?

HARRY: Not again.....

DRACO: (appears from out of nowhere again) Does anyone else see that?

ALL: See what?

DRACO: (points off set) THAT!

SPIKE: Holy shit....

HARRY: It's... It's....

ME: IT'S A WALKING WATERMELON! EVERYBODY RRUUUUUUUUUN!!!!!

ALL: (run in separate directions)

_Hack, pthew, ugh! God, she's trying to kill me now.... Where is everyone?_

GANNON: Beats me. I start walking over here and they all run away.

_Why?_

GANNON: It's because I'm green. They're all racist, no one understands...

_I understand... I always understand, I am the narrator._

GANNON: Good enough for me.

_So... Ever seen the back of a '52 Mustang?_

GANNON: Can't say I have... (grins)

ME: IT"S OVER NOW! THE END! THIS IS INSANITY!

_... Am I fired?_


	6. No, an African Swallow!

Tis A Watermelon! CHAPTER ELEVENTY HUNDRED! (6) 

_I was not fired, surprisingly. Gerudos suck... Let the Author tell her own friggin' story._

ME: O...k....

RON: Where are we?

HARRY: I dunno.

SPIKE: I could be at home right now, but _no_, stupid author had to put us in a tiny dark space.

INUYASHA: What...?! I WAS IN FEUDAL JAPAN!!!!!

HERMIONE: Oh dear...

ME: Where the _hell_ did I put us all?

_The door of the closet our friends are squashed in opens, and a gasp comes from the blinding light. I can't beleive Gannon tried to kill me, I mean, seriously..._

ME: (sighs)

VOLDEMORT: Hey! It worked! I wished for the Potter boy to be in my closet and it _worked!_

ME: Oh.... Oooops....

HARRY: Thanks, Bandit, thanks a lot.

HERMIONE: (jumps out of closet) Oh, don't kill him, please don't kill him!

VOLDEMORT: Why not?

HERMIONE: Err... uh....

RON: Oh for Merlin's sake! Harry, get the heck out of the closet!

HARRY: I can't, you're on my leg.

RON: Oh, sorry. (moves off Harry's leg)

VOLDEMORT: _staystillius!_

ALL: (feeze due to spell)

ME: That's not a real spell.

VOLDEMORT: But it worked.

ME: Yeah, but still, it's not right!

VOLDEMORT: Shutup, you're my prisoner, now.

ME: (standing up and breaking spell) Excuse me?! I'm the Author, I rule the story, and YOUR PART IS OVER!!

VOLDEMORT: (gets vaporized)

HARRY: Hey, it isn't that simple, I have to be the one to kill him, or he'll kill me!

ME: Not anymore.

HARRY: But... but... (wails) NOW I HAVE NO SOURCE OF AAAANGST!

SPIKE: That's nice, now could you _get your ass out of my face?!_

RON: Hey, don't say that to my.... fwa... fyee!

SPIKE: (looks at Author) Please get me out of here.

ME: (tugs Spike out of closet, making Ron, Harry and Inu Yasha go sprawling on the ground)

HARRY: But it's not that simple! It's not!

_Harry, I am your father._

HARRY: WHAT??!?!!!!

_Just playing you, man, just playing you!_

HARRY: I'm gonna kill you, I swear!

ME: Get in line.


	7. A Sail! A Sail!

########## Tis A Watermelon! Chapter Sever---erm, SEVEN! ############

INU YASHA: Hey, look, it's that crazy blond guy!

ME: (only one who understands InuYasha) No, that's not Lucius, it's...

HERMIONE: (gasps) It's...!

HERMIONE AND ME: (in unison) IT'S LEGOLAS!!!!!

LEGOLAS: What foul beast is this? (pokes Spike's hair)

SPIKE: You're gonna see in just a minute...

ME: (shoves Spike into corner) Hi...

HERMIONE: Hello, I'm Hermione Granger! I've read all about you!

LEGOLAS: (stares)

HERMIONE: Might I point out to you the ceiling? It looks like cement, but it isn't _really _cement, it's just enchanted to look like it. I read about it in---

HARRY AND RON: _Hogwarts, a History!_

ME: (tackles Hermione and begins to tape her mouth shut)

_The fairest of the elves watched in horror as the crazy Queen of the Bandits proceeded to bind and gag the befuddled Hermione._

LEGOLAS: Ai! Ai! A balrog!

ME: What? No, it's just the narrator... he's mad, you see.(continues wrestling Hermione)

_I am not!_

ME: Are too.

_Am not!_

ME: Are too, you loon.

_I'll quit!_

SPIKE: Please do.

LEGOLAS: I do not understand this bleak place, what evil lingers here?

HARRY: Well, that might be the smell Voldemort left behind.

RON: DON'T SAY THE NAAAAAME!!!

HERMIONE: Oh, oo uh-uff, ohn-hohwf.

INUYASHA: I wanna go home...

ME: (gets off Hermione) I'm sorry for all this, Legolas. My companions are a bit... you know... (waves finger in circles next to head)

_At that moment, the putrid, disgusting, sick, horrible, EVIL Gannon appeared out of no where and frightened the whole group._

GANNON: _I WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT I AM NOT A WATERMELON, HAVE NEVER BEEN A WATERMELON, AND DON'T INTEND TO EVER BE A WATERMELON!!!!!!_

ALL: (stare, blinking occaisionally)

LEGOLAS: By the Circle of Elrond, _that_ is a balrog!

SPIKE: Hey, pretty boy, shutup!

LEGOLAS: I beg your pardon?!

_The Author rapidly stepped between the two men--- uh,. males--- and snapped her fingers at Spike._

SPIKE: You know what?! I'm getting the CENSORED out of here! CENSORED you all! Especially you, you friggin' Madonna wanna-be! (points at Legolas)

(Spike walks out through a wall. The rest of the people present stare after him, then look at each other curiously)

HARRY: Um... how did he do that?

INUYASHA: I have to _try_ that! (runs into the wall and knocks himself out)

ME: Ok... uh... Legolas, I apologize again...

LEGOLAS: There is no need for apology, fair lady...

ME: (looks up at narrator) Ya hear that?! He called me fair! Take that you crazy speech perfectionist!

_I can't hear you, LalalaLAlalalaALALALAlalala..._

LEGOLAS: Come, lady, why do you waste away in a prison like this?

ME: (looks at Harry) I wouldn't call it a prison...

LEGOLAS: Ok, this is getting annoying, can I take the wig off now?

ME: Thanks for killing the script.

LEGOLAS: Your welcome, but pleeeease?

ME: (sighs loudly) _Fine._ But, Orlando, it was you who ruined it even more! I'll hold you accountable!

ORLANDO: (pulls off wig) Whatever. (walks through wall as Inu Yasha regains consciousness)

INUYASHA: Hey! It worked for him, too!

_The group watched as Inu Yasha ran into the solid wall again. He flew to the floor, looking fairly ridiculous---_

HARRY: (flourishes wand) _RIDIKKULUS!_

INUYASHA: (vanishes with a scream)

ME: Hey, what do you know, he was a boggart... I thought InuYasha was really here...

_Um, I think the spell might have ill effects on Dog Demons..._

ME: Oh... And what might those effects be?

_Thus, somewhere in feudal Japan, a watermelon is the only thing left of the Demon that was once Inu Yasha... He will never be forgotten, if only because his damn theme song has a nasty habit of getting stuck in people's heads. Inu Yasha, or rather, his soul, is floating dazedly around somewhere behind a long black curtain... Little does he know he will soon be attacked violently and hung upside-down by two black-haired teenage boys...._


	8. Random Note and Cast List

OK,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, (hey look, a row of commas!)

OK, uh, if you want more of the story, lemme know, there's an insane amount of insanity lying around...

Yeah.

I can't think of anything else.....???

Am I missing something? OH YESH!

TEH PLAYAS!

OK, all the characters I'm randomly sticking in here are from different universes. So, here we go.

HARRY POTTER--- Harry Potter, Ron Weasly, Hermione Granger, Ginny Weasly, Professor Severus Snape, Draco Malfoy, Lucius Malfoy, and eventually Sirius Black.

INU YASHA--- Inu Yasha, Kagome, and eventually Sesshoumaru ( Sp?) (oh well, I call him Sesshy anyway).

COWBOY BEBOP---  (I know, I know, slaps self But, he was in my head...) Spike Seigel...(runs from flamers)

THE LEGEND OF ZELDA--- Gannon (or Gannondorf, w/e)

THE LORD OF THE RINGS--- Legolas Greenleaf and eventually Frodo Baggins.

RANDOM PEOPLE---  (yeah...) Orlando Bloom... (heheh...)

_**THE EVENTUALS! YAY!.**_

THE VAMPIRE CHRONICLES--- Lestat and Claudia (hey, gimme a break with the names, It's late at night where I am...)

PIRATES OF THE CARRIBBEAN--- CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow

THE VAMPIRE/DEMON/FALLEN QUIZ SERIES--- Riles .

OK, at this point I would like to interject loudly that I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THEM! (especially not Orlando Bloom, but that would be nice).

Yeps. Review as to if you want me to continue.

PEACE, SHRUBBERY AND LOVE TO YOU!


	9. Shnookblatt Avec Moi

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I realize I haven't updated in like centuries... ALSO WIK: I noticed that FF rules won't allow me to include Lestat and Claudia... I'm most likely breaking a law by writing their names here... ok, I'm sorry, I gotta do it... LESTAT AND CLAUDIA LESTAT AND CLAUDIA LESTAT AND CLAUDIA LESTAT AND CLAUDIA LESTAT AND CLAUDIA LESTAT AND CLAUDIA LESTAT AND CLAUDIA LESTAT AND CLAUDIA !

Ok.

And now, CHAPTEH 888888 (8) !

((drumroll))

cha.

* * *

_When we last saw our...um... heroes... They were in a random house... ooooo, I have to do this... on a random hill, with the random geese flying overhead in the random sky, with a lot of random little garden gnomes flying around, and..._

AHEM!

_They're in a house._

ME: That's better.

HARRY: Pickles. SHNOOOOKBLATTT!

RON: What?

HERMIONE: Hey, look, Ron's disorder has been transferred to Harry!

ME: Um... yay?

HERMIONE: Indubiously.

RON: HEY! I can play that game! Antidisestablishmentarianism!

ME: You can't beat me at this one.

_Oh really, miss Paraskavedekatriaphobia!_

ME: (closes eyes) Supercalifragilisticsexpiallydocious!

_HAHAHAHAHA!_

HERMIONE: What?

_Check this out: Super calif(ornia's) fragili(ty) stic(ks) **SEX** pi(es) allydocious! _

RON: You're sick, mate.

HARRY: (doubled over with laughter)

ALL: (stare at Harry)

HARRY: Shwat?

ME: we need some new characters.

RON: ditto.

HERMIONE: Who the heck says ditto?

_No one else thought the sex joke was funny?_

ME: NO! NOW GO AWAY!

_Fine. (wanders off)_

ME: Ok, our next contestant IIIISSSS--- JACK SPARROW, Come on down!

HERMIONE: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA----------------------------------------- (choke)

ME: Narrator, did you just try to strangle Hermione?

_Noooo..._

RON: Hey, wasn't that Orlando Whatever guy here a second ago?

ME: You... you didn't just...

RON: what?

_Enter random fangirls.._.

RANDOM FANGIRLS: WHAT THE (censored) IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU SLIMY LITTLE (censored-censored)! WE HOPE YOU (censored) -ING DIE IN A HOLE! YOU ARE NOT (censored-censored-censored) -ING ALLOWED TO FORGET ORLI'S LAST NAME! NOW GO ROT IN (-sigh-... censored-censored-censored-censored-censored) -ING HELL!

_The fangirls wander off... holy expletive-ing crap!_

ME: (taps ear) I think I'm deaf

RON: The... Therre were like a thousand girls in front of me... and then they went away. (censored)

ME: CAN WE STOP WITH THE FRIKKEN CENSORS ALREADY!

(crickets chirp)

HARRY: (breaks into song) This is your birthday song, it doesn't last so loooong...hoi!

ALL: (stare)

ME: um... um... JACK! (grabs him) would ya like to say something?

JACK: ...

ME: Alllllllllright then!

JACK: You didn't call me captain.

ME: Oops... oh, (censored), PLEASE don't bring out the fangirls!

JACK: Wouldn't want to... they aren't _around, _are they?

HERMIONE: HI, I'M HERMIONE GRANGER, AND THIS IS-----

ME: (knocks Hermione out with giant mallet)

HARRY: I have sailed the world, beheld it's wonders...

RON: Oh, DO shutup!

_Suddenly, a long, dark shadow falls on our heroes...er, protagonists. What could it be? Oh no, not a..._

(crickets chirp)

_Someone's supposed to scream and yell "a waterlmelon."_

(crickets chirp)

HARRY: (screams like a girl) A _watermelon!_

ALL: O...O

THIS IS YOUR BIRTHDAY SONG, IT DOESN'T LAST SO LOOOOOONG- ---HOI !

THE END

Of Ch8

because otherwise it'd be too short

I think...

The fans would...(strangled)

* * *

**Please tell me if this CH wasn't as funny as the others...I read over it several times, I don't think it quite measures up... /**

Cheerio.


End file.
